(From Vintage Variety)
How do you do?
In 1940 I received a most cunningly-worded invitation to join the Army. Oh! At the bottom of this illuminating address were the letters RSVP: Regimentum Soldari Vaccinati Pandemonium, which being translated from the Old Greek means "if you don't turn up, it'll be just too bad".
Two week after receiving this letter, I was released from a nursing home, where I'd been treated for severe shock and I made my way to the nearest station. I was just going to get into a carriage when a woman leaned out and said: "I wouldn't come in here if I was you! These three nippers of mine what you see 'ere are all contaminated. Little Roderick there 'as got measles, little Marie-Louise in the middle there 'as got mumps and little Nobby's got pneumonia." I said "I don't give a damn - I just got my calling-up papers and when we get to the next tunnel I'm going to cut me ruddy throat!"
Owing to the fact that there were no tunnels, I arrived at my destination and never shall I forget that first day in the Army. Ah-ha.. Easy to laugh now.
In this camp we weren't awakened in the usual manner: the Colonel used to wander around waking us from our slumbers with a delicious rendering of that bad..er.. sad ballad "Me Pleasures and Palliasses".
After a hot bath and a brisk rub-down with a sandbag, I trickled downstairs to breakfast, after which I complimented the chef on his devilish ingenuity. Then a little man asked us if we'd like to go onto the parade ground, and I hadn't got anything better to do so I thought I'd go...
...Wandered out and found ourselves confronted by a man who I took to be Boris Karloff - turned out to be a Sergeant Major.
...Wandered up to me and said "wot's yer number?" I said "Kensington 05666". This seemed to deceive him rather. He answered in a language which I'd never heard before. I've since discovered it was Army Basic English: a very easy language to pick up as it consists practically of one word.
Later on that day I was reclining on the grassy sward beside the playground, toying idly with the goldfish in the fountain - the camp was built by Hoare Belisha - and .. when up ambled a Sergeant.
He said to me and my newly-found colleagues "alright, let's ave yer!" which, as a lot of you will know, means in pure English "get fell in!" So we all more-or-less fell in and this Sergeant says: "Now then, I'll tell 'ou what I'm goin' to do, I'm goin' to segregate yer!" He said: "Now get fell out ther' all those men wot 'ave had a college or other sort of la-de-dah educashun. Alright .. get segregated!"
And all those men stood out and then he turned to the remaining blokes and said: "Nah, you've 'ad a good sensible educashun, I'll tell you what you're gonna do. See that 'ut over there - that's the cook 'ouse. Get scrubbin'. Then you'll find a lot of spuds - alright, bash 'em." He then turned to the college types and said: "As for you, you ignorant shower, you go along wiv 'em and learn how the job should be done."
Credits to Victory Star Show
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